=.=

you can say that it's a fact that,
i am really PMS-ing,
or whatever la,
i am just writing about what i feel,
you dont need to think so much,
because i think too much,
and you dont need to do the same,
yeah,
and you dont need to make assumptions about my post,
because you dont know who i am talking about,
and even if you know,
can you please shut up?
thank you,

todae,
just dont feel like it,
dont feel like smiling or staying happy,
i just feel that i've lost something,

what's supposed to be mine,
will be mine,
i cant possibly take everything i wanted,

it's just the matter of the heart,
like,
you lost your husband to some random "fox-spirit",
or like,
you lost your wife to some random gay,
it's just that sense of loss,
dont know why la,
you know hormones can drive me crazy T.T

i know,
i think i'd know,
what's happening,
and what're you guys thinking about,
because,
it's all that i heard,
all that i saw,
it's just too obvious,
i've seen it with my own eyes,
i've heard it with my own ears,
those hints,
teasing around,
well,
who wont know isnt it?

i just feel hurt inside there,
for some reason,
it's like,
you cared so much for me,
but,
you cared too little for me,
it's two different cases,
i feel so lost,
i dont know what you're thinking,
and i dont know how much do i mean to you,
but,
i know that you mean alot to me,
even if we're just simply friends,
i know you mean alot to me,
just like my other buddies,

what i see,
what i hear,
i know i dont really matter,
its like i aint in your circle of people whom you'd care for,
but when i aint around,
things seemed different,
like what my loves had said,
but,
i wanted to believe myself,
and that's the reality i have to face,
you know,
my loves are just teasing here and there,
to make me feel a little happier perhaps,
i know,
that's fantasy,
but i am really so much happier,
so much more happier inside,
but it's fantasy,
i cant live in that world,
this world we all live in,
is just that practical i think,
reality and fantasy,
i'd rather not lie to myself,
i have to face the truth one day,
and i have to accept the fact that,
you never came to my side,
and you never will,

"Christine, go find your true love,",
that's the lyrics of our song,
and i think i want to be Raoul,

you're so near,
but you're so far away,
my new company mate once told me this,
and it's true,
we are really near,
but far apart,
we never made the effort to understand more,
to know more about each other,
never once,
maybe,
that's the kind of thing which led me in the wrong way,
to the wrong road that leads to a dead end,

yesterday,
i've undergone my chim buddy's talk on life,
very enlightening,
but,
i dont know how to do it,
how to convey the message to you,
maybe it's guys' stuff,
and someone like me,
shouldnt interfere,
so what if you respect my views?
i know you respect other people's views too,
but it doesnt mean that you have to accept them,

it's all so messed up,
the mixed feelings inside,
so messed up,

it had been such a long time,
since i've felt this way,

i'm trying hard,
you people never see,
because you never know,
how it feels like,
to stand alone,
when you just need to endure and do everything,
even when you're through the toughest and darkest times,
you're all alone,
and you can only help yourself,
tell me,
who wont get tired of this life?

i'm like a drifting wood in the middle of the sea,
there're islands for me to rest at,
but,
i'd never stay long,
cause i'm drifting and drifting,
one to another,
or even worse,
some islands have boundaries,
i cant even get to them,
not even a chance,
or you'd say,
never will i get a chance,
they're so,
confined to themselves,

perhaps,
i'm just an outsider,
just a stranger,
not a part of the family,

on the surface,
i may look like one,
but,
deep down inside,
do you regard me as a friend?
no you dont,
i cant feel it,

CPs are hated,
this is one inference i can make,
number 1;
we're like that because of jealousy?
i don know,
feels like it,
like,
there are things that we can do,
but you cant,
so you hate us,

i dont know,
i've experienced it before,
because i've done it before,
just because of our position,
you all expect so much from us,
that you forget that,
we are still at the same level as you,
we're still at the same platform,
you all expect too much from us,
maybe you can say,
you expect us to do better,
cause we have the ability to do so,
or,
you all expect so much from us,
just cause of your own personal gain,
i dont know,
like i said,
it's just an inference,

what we do,
what we say,
it's all infront of you people,
if we made a mistake,
you'd hate us,
or rather,
dislike,
if i put it in a nicer way,
if we said something wrong,
you'd bu shuang us,
and then dislike us,
tell me,
what do you expect from us?

i know,
people change,
but,
some people change for the better,
and,
some people are trying hard to change to be a better person,
but you never see,
cause you never even tried to understand that person a lil more,
just a lil more,

just because of who we are,

"everything is our fault",
because,
it's our responsibility to do more,
it's our job to sacrifice and serve you people,
and if anything goes wrong,
and if there're any mistakes made,
we're responsible for them,
and it's all our fault,

to tell the truth,
i hate to be accused of,
like,
"i didnt do anything wrong,
and why is it my fault?"
too bad,
i must learn to accept that,
it's really my fault,
cause i failed to do my job,
i dont want to admit that i am a failure,
cause i know i aint that bad,
i hope,
everything's my fault,
my bad,
well,
it sounds so,
i dont know,
just,
weird or something,

leaders are servants,
leaders serve you,
to be a leader,
you must learn how to serve,
and that includes,
collecting the shyt from those people who you serve,
isnt it?

it's tough,
you'd never know,
cause you never tried it before,
how it feels like,

what SG Major QiaoWei said to us,
i'll remember,
cause,
i admire her,
and i will make her my role model after Mamm Janice,
"PART As,YOUR HONEYMOON IS OVER!",
the golden sentence from Mamm Janice :D
and SG Major said,
"if they scold you,just take it as they think that you still have hope,you can sill improve,"
yes,
it makes sense,
and i thought of yang lao shi when i heard that sentence,
that made me feel like chionging into yang lao shi's form class and prove them wrong,
to prove them wrong of what they've said to a teacher,
cause they dont understand a single thing,
and they just blurt out hurtful words,
isnt it?

when people scold you,
they think that you can do better,
cause they expect better stuff from you,
cause they know that you're good,
and you have a higher standard,
they scold,
they want you to change and improve,

i will await spec course next year,
maybe i could be one of those,
who will be yelled at right smack in the face by the sirs in NCC HQ,

of being emotionally stronger,
this is really hard,
cause,
i am very emotional,
i cry very easily eh?
and that really sucks,
i can watch some random drama and cry,
and that's really stupid,
i think,
cause,
it's really stupid,
my heart is too weak,
and i should learn to control and make my heart stronger,
maybe i should be yelled at in the face again,
and see if i'd cry,

human beings,
jealousy,
what people have,
and what we dont have,
we'd get jealous,
dont we?
then,
a whole lot of lame and stupid stuff will happen,
well,
it's about how rank-minded/award-minded/GPA-minded/whatever-minded you are,

say,
i go spec course,
and i only got a rank of third SG,
and my other platoon mates got second SG,
then they will be PCs,
but i cant,
there will be this,
sort of jealous feeling inside,
i'll feel bu shuang,
isnt it?

its the same thing,
when someone overtakes you,
you'll feel that thing inside,
but we've got to learn how to accept it,

learning how to lose,
is more important that learning how to win,
yeah?

i realise that i've so much to learn,
about how to live my life,
i love the kind of peaceful life i have now,
i really love it,

i will never want to go back to the kind of life,
i had in the beginning of this year,
its just an hour or so,
i feel like i am injected with viruses,
of the flaws and gossips of other people,
is that what girls always do?
it's always the negative side,

at least,
i know guys will look at things in a more matured way,
some of them do actually,
the way different genders look at things,
critical thinking,

i dont need to learn how to hate people,
i just want to know,
i want to make people learn how to love themselves,
you know,
nice people always get bullied,
they should learn to love themselves and stand up for themselves,
cause,
they dont deserve the kind of shyt they get from their other friends or even buddies,

i want to love myself,
i know i deserve it,
cause,
you deserve it too,

a cute puppy VS wolf
cock-eyed person,
triple sighs,

"MAKE UP YOUR MIND!"
sometimes,
it's good to learn from people with talent,
chimology talent,

but it doesnt change my point of view,
i just want to learn something,
really special now,

and that's all i've got to say,