hopeless,

i feel so depressed today,
i hate what i did todae,
there is just so much inside of me,
and i feel like exploding,

pain,
fear,
guiltiness,
stress,
hopelessness,
reluctance,
sadness,

i just feel like exploding and crying,
because i dont know what else can i do?
what else can i do?
what's within my ability?

i listened to every single word mr keith said today,
although i am really tired of that,
i listened,
and all that mr keith said made sense,

what we did was,
we sms-ed every single person,
sent emails,
reminded and reminded,
we still cant achieve a perfect score,
that was 5,

yesterday,
i thought of reminding the class,
but i didnt,
and that was a huge mistake,
so todae was 12,

i regretted it,
i really do,
if i did that,
maybe everything wont be so screwed todae,

the class relay system bloody doesnt work AT ALL,
what do you expect?
i have to remind myself again and again,
that THIS AINT NCC,
where EVERYONE is so DISCIPLINED,

one for all and all for one,
this DOESNT apply to this kind of things,
not anymore,

16 each,
sometimes more,
why are we doing that?
why are we doing that?
why?

sometimes i just dont understand why is it so hard,
is it really so hard?
is it?

I KNOW EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES,
I KNOW NOT EVERYONE IS PERFECT,
BUT IF THAT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN,
ISNT THAT JUST A LAME EXCUSE?

is it very hard to keep quiet?
i remember people telling me this,
"i will die if i dont talk,"
yes,
if you dont talk how can you communicate?
how can you right?
but talk at the right time,

the first time i called,
nothing happened,
i felt damn depressed,
and i shouldnt have given up so easily this morning,
i shouldnt have,
i wanna look for my co-chair,
but,
i dont know how to tell him,
i dont know how,
sometimes i just feel so lost,
but why?
what is so hard about controlling them?
i dont want to admit that i am a failure,

i felt like crying,
and i just dont understand why,
i just dont,

maybe,
i shouldnt have given up so easily,
if i didnt,
everything may be better,

i should have been more courageous,
why am i so scared of making mistakes?

it's my fault,

because everything starts with us,
because of who we are,
because of what our responsibilities are,

when everything gets screwed,
the first ones who get it,
it's none other than us,

it's just an incident,
it's just A FEW pieces of crappish papers,

why am i feeling so upset over them?
and i asked myself,
why,
why i just cant try to not give a damn at all,

it hurts alot,
alot alot alot,
it's painful,

and why every single bit of thing is,
me,
and him,
me and him,

we're responsible for everything,
arent we?
arent we?

sometimes i just feel like giving it up,
i shouldnt have endured,
there's a compre yang lao shi gave us,
i remember that answer,

the tch assigned you that job because he trusts you,
because he thinks that you can do it,
so you shouldnt let the tch down and should not give up so easily,

he just thinks that i can do it,
they just think that i can,
you just think,
yes,
you stay at home and think whatever you want,

i want to persevere on,
but i know i dont have the capability to do those things,

"or is it because you just dont give a damn,"
this was the first time i heard this,

i hate this,

i am sorry alvin,
for making you so sian,
sorry,

sorry shuying for not replying your msg,
i promise i wont do it again,
and i promise i wont worry you again,

i will remember this day,
for the first time i really felt like stabbing myself,
i never knew i was so weak,

i am not the type for this kind of job,
absolutely not me,

i dont wanna give up,
i know i wont,

if i let my hair down a bit,
everything may be better,
but if i do that,
will everything really be better?

this nightmare ends only at the end of this year,

why?
is it wrong to go to a interchange with a friend?
what's wrong with that?
why are people just so,
i dont know how to describe them,
that feeling sucks,
dont i have my own freedom?

naive,
yes,
that's the word,
i remember it,

that was the word my buddy taught me too,
naive,

sometimes,
life just sucks,

sleeping on 51,
feels painful,
my neck aches la,
i prefer 97,
lols,

thank you buddy,

todae,
i never really fell asleep,
something was just distracting me,
and i dont know why,

now that i've finished my story,
it's time to go,

good luck to myself,
i will be stronger,
i will be,